Thursday, March 09, 2006

Never Have So Many Given So Much...

... so that so few can have so little.

Dude, the grass is dead. It will come back when it's been warm for awhile and it rains a little bit. But for right now, it's dead. It will be green again. But it's not green now. Now it is dead.

Green = alive, Brown = dead.

What you have is brown grass, the dead kind.

Mowing it will not make it grow faster. Mowing is what cuts the top ends off of live grass and makes it dead grass. Your grass is already dead grass. All the way down to the ground. Dead.

Dead Grass + Lawn Mower = Dead Grass Clippings (NOT, I repeat, NOT, living grass).

I know you miss mowing your lawn. Everyone needs a passion in their life, but this is not the time for yours. This is the time for the grass to be brown (brown = dead, remember?) and for people to do other things. Things besides mowing dead grass.

Don't lose heart, for Spring will come again. Life will be renewed, and the roar of Briggs and Stratton will once more rumble 'cross these verdant plains of East-Central Alabama. Once more shall you cheerily trace your grid, decapitating any shoot so bold as to reach more than 1/16th of an inch above its neighbors.

Then, my brother, I shall rejoice with you. I shall drink deeply of Ice Tea and Lemonade, and from my reclining lawn chair heap praise upon your noble effort to sieze the rudder of nature's destiny, and, God-like, bend it to your will. In the glow of success, when missed spots have been pointed out and shorn, weeds eradicated, small engine maintenance tips exchanged, at the apex of your triumph, I might let you mow my grass too.

But not until it's green.

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